Pamela Anderson (a.k.a. Pamela Lee, Barb Wire, C.J. Parker, Valerie Irons, Stripperella, the first Tool Time girl, and Tits McGee) has made a killing as a public sex toy. Forget the fact that she has no foreseeable talent, because talent with a rack like that means little more than a big pot of jack squat. You can also forget the fact that that rack is man-made, because ladies, take it from Porno Pete—and take it to heart—we don’t care if they’re fake. They just need to be big and round, with pointy nipples, and in our hands. Personally, I’m waiting for some rocket scientist to come along and invent the first flesh-colored booby-zipper, so ladies can freely adjust their bust size to meet their needs. I’d draw up the patent, but I’m not what you’d call the “Type A Personality” kind of guy. I’d much rather enjoy the fruits of someone else’s labor.
Pam-Pam first broke onto the scene back in the early 90’s, within the pages of Playboy Magazine, and soon after, as the Tool Time girl on the hit sitcom, “Home Improvement.” It wasn’t until she jumped to the sandy beaches of “Baywatch” that her star exploded. Not coincidentally, her explosion caused millions of mini-explosions of a different nature in the pants of men worldwide.
From that point on, all anyone wanted from Pamela Anderson was to see her naked as much as possible. This, however, proved to be torture for some, because after her rise in stardom, the only way to see those beautifully crafted chesticles was to go back in time to her Playboy days or, if you were a skilled film-finder like I was/am, you would have seen her in the buff in such straight-to-pay-cable features as “Raw Justice” and “Naked Souls.”
Even those glimpses at perfection weren’t enough for the world, though. The world wanted more, baby—the world wanted Pam hardcore!
Enter “Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon,” the homemade hardcore porno the world had been salivating for! The homemade hardcore porno that saw a newly married Pamela taken to task by her rocker husband Tommy and his ginormous wang!
The film quality of this historic video is rather poor. The colors are heavily washed out, making the entire film feel overcast. If it didn’t feature Pam being battered by Tommy’s war-hammer, it would almost be depressing.
“Stolen Honeymoon” also suffers from spotty direction, as many of the close-up angles are so close up, you can’t make hide nor hair of what’s on the screen. You’d think with all that money they have to burn, they would have hired a professional director to accompany them, getting all the best shots—guess this is proof that regardless of your bank account, you’ll never be able to buy brains.
There is no score to speak of, so don’t expect any of that 70’s funk found during most hardcore porn sequences. Add to that the lack of a script, and you’ll recognize that Pam and Tommy are two of the worst improv artists on the planet. They’re so horrible at making conversation, there ought to be a law that makes it illegal for them to use their mouths for anything other than sucking and blowing—though not necessarily in that order.
On second thought, Tommy could just have his mouth sealed shut for all I care. His music does not warrant his ability to speak, sing, or scream.
At just over an hour in length, most of the film involves Pamela naked, which is a plus. Unfortunately, there isn’t as much hardcore activity as I would have liked, nor are there any money shots to be seen. However, when you consider the anomaly that is this video in the first place, it makes it difficult to really “complain” about any part of it.
I mean really, the fact that this tape even exists brings a smile to my twisted little face. Three cheers for Pamela, her bad judgment, and the inventor of the home video recorder!
Download the video
Direct Download: Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8